January 19, 2012 - Posted by Teenie - 0 Comments
Today I sit on a snow day…the world is bright, cold, and awesome as only Mother Nature can make it. I woke up knowing that I had today off from school. It is always unsettling to go to bed and wonder–will “they” call the day tomorrow and will “they” wait until the last minute before I know what I should do with my day. Snow days are somewhat of an anxiety as you can’t really plan anything and at the last minute, you are home, poor weather and wondering what to do with yourself.
I don’t mind the snow day. I don’t even mind making the day up at the end of the school year. Today, the second snow day in a row, left me to dink around as I woke early to Mother Nature’s beauty. My back yard was flawless with a perfect blanket of snow. No footprints. No marks in the white that encompassed my deck. No mars on the pristine whiteness of the snow day.
I spent the first day a little shell shocked and then, ran a few errands as I remembered I grew up in SPOKANE PEOPLE AND SNOW MEANS NOTHING!!! I made a few stops and then, became engrossed with sliding down a hill with friends and making inappropriate snowmen. I forgot how much I loved a snow day. My own kids enjoyed sledding, snow, and freezing their asses off.
Today, I sit on that snow day and I got a text from Amy and I was shocked again. Not by snow. Not by anything other than another blogger and writer who I have followed for–sheesh, I don’t know. Many years. Amy and I adore her writing and have emailed with her before about photography. Amy said, did you read her post today? I immediately felt this foreboding in my entire body.
I know that most of you do not know who Heather is, but for me, I have read her posts and I understand. Today, I understand even more as in the brightness of today, I think of someone who is going through a very dark period of her life.
Separation.
I. Completely. Understand.
Life can suddenly take this change. This vault over everything that you know and you are suddenly alone. Facing days sharing children. Days with attorneys. Days with nothingness. I still think back of those days and I realize, truly, it was filled with escape. Wine. Friends. Family. Children. I pretended that I could make it through–and really, I did. I made it through. It was a lot of tears. A LOT OF TEARS.
And here I am. On a snow day, smiling. I had a beer with a friend as we sat on my porch and watched my neighbor and his kids have a snowball fight. I read through Heather’s blog..and her husband’s and thought…life goes on. It is never easy, but it goes on. I hope for her sake, and for the love she has inside, she finds a way to make it work. But only if she wants to.
I didn’t want to anymore. I quit. I admit that. Finally. It was better to quit than to fight the nothing I felt when I was trying. Jasen quit too. He sought his affection and happiness elsewhere. I started to find that I invested myself in work, friends, and kids.
Here I am. A snow day. Smiling. I like my own company. I like myself. I am thankful for all that is around me–friends, family, me.
I hope Heather finds herself out of the darkness on a snowday…. because I understand.
January 7, 2012 - Posted by Teenie - 0 Comments
I am a Christmas Baby. I often joke that I need a t-shirt that says, “Jesus stole my birthday glory”. But truth be told, I wouldn’t have my birthday on any other day. My family has always ensured that Christmas and Birthday were separate. I can think of many birthdays where I was so anxious to open my gifts after dinner. I was very fortunate to have understanding family who made my day special too.
The one downfall to having a holiday/December birthday is it is very difficult to have a birthday party. As an adult, I can not think of every having an actual party for myself. In fact, I know that I went out with friends a few times to celebrate my birthday, but never have I thrown myself a party and said CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES with ME! I am not sure what prompted me to do it this year, but Jessica and I decided that we would host a bday party for “us”. I have written many posts on my social blogs about how grateful and thankful I am to have such good friends celebrate me this year. My door bell rang and people stopped by. Birthday cards, bottles of wine and emails were prevalent every day. I have never had such an out pouring of HAPPY BIRTHDAY! AND I am not even FORTY yet!
I totally enjoyed my two little neighbor girls, Josie and Gabby, walking over to deliver a bottle of wine for my birthday. I am pretty sure the bottle was bigger than they were. I wanted to take a picture, but wasn’t sure if their Mom would approve. Who am I kidding? She sent them over with the wine! OH and they told me, JUST in case I didn’t know, that they were indeed, delivering a bottle of wine to me for my birthday! LOVE!
The party. I have to say, I am pretty sure I didn’t drink much. I was too busy consuming the liquor in the form of jello. All the people I love and consider my good friends rallied around Jessica and I to endure a night of beer pong and celebration. I have to admit, I have never played beer pong in my life. I now can also admit, there are no winners in beer pong. Somewhere along the evening, my Jerry Seinfled bizzaro world collided. College. Work. Old married friends from lives before. Bunco. Moses Lake friends. God, I think there could have been a highschool friend attending, but alas. I just know this. THEY ALL LIKED EACH OTHER. I cannot believe the exchanging of business cards, dinner invites, and “let’s get togethers” I heard. It truly made my birthday so much more special—to know all the people I LOVE, also, liked each other. No one wants to hear, “Hey Tina, why are you friends with that bitch?”
Highlights? From what I can put together–I did eat a lot of jello– beer pong was nearing Olympic categories in the garage and close to 100 jello shots were consumed. Beer? I have no idea. Food? I have no idea as I woke up and thought I would just sell my house instead of cleaning up. My lovely friend, Jen, was so cheery as she cleaned the kitchen. I am typically NOT hung over, but I felt like I was hit by the truck that delivered the boxes of jello to Safeway. There was much laughing. MUCH roasting of my shortness and boobs. I think the midget jokes were flying the second people opened the door. I opened a present from Bucky to proclaim, “THIS T SHIRT IS NOT GOING TO FIT!” only for him to respond, “Uh Tina. It is yours. You left it in my car after the hash.”
OOPS. I do remember that after I almost DIED of hypothermia after falling in the river. That is another story. One filled with much mud, freezing water, The Marines, and HOLY CRAP WHAT DID I GET MYSELF INTO!?
There were people hugging and sticking some awful black and white stickers on each other. Some others included, “I steal office supplies for fun” or “I farted”. “Office Slut”. I think that same person who was the stickery-stickerman also bought me glow in the dark body glitter. Yeah, you never know when that might come in handy!!!
Jessica was bound and determined to keep Emily’s purple converse (which if she wasn’t so busy trying to steal them, she would have known they didn’t fit Beezy anymore and she could take them legally!) Of the 30 or so people who attended, I have to say, I have never felt so loved or celebrated. It was truly one of my greatest memories. Well, aside from the sticky floors and dirty pong balls. However, Andrew’s bag of ping pong balls aptly labeled, “Sterilized ping pong balls for beer pong” was entertaining to read again and again. Amy had me open her never ending gift! I felt like it was the purse from Hermione that was full of so much stuff! INCLUDING a FAB purse AND 14 Hands. OMG 14 Hands. Seriously. FOURTEEN HANDS.The wine of the gods. I think it actually may have been delivered by Hera herself.
I love every single person that attended and I cannot THANK them enough for loving me, celebrating with me, and continuing to put up with me. I cannot remember smiling so much as I was able to spend an evening with friends to celebrate Jessica and I. Who needs to turn 40—well Jessica’s 50th bday ends on the end of the Mayan calendar so we might need to think about that…. either way, I can’t think of a better way to turn 29 or end 2012.
January 6, 2012 - Posted by Teenie - 0 Comments
I am working hard at posting every day. I looked back through my blog and I have some serious blips in my writing! I also have a zillion “pending” posts that I have not finished and are in draft form. I think this weekend will be a good chance for me to catch up….and I am even starting to think I will insert an excerpt of my book for those of you who may want to take a peek….. let me know what you think! The editor I am working with checks my blog too, so if you stop by, leave a comment! I moderate them, so once I have OK’D you, you are free to post whenever without moderation! I just happen to get weird SPAM posts!
So, the promise to myself to write is also here. Even if it is just a bunch of bullshit sometimes! HA!
January 6, 2012 - Posted by Teenie - 0 Comments
My brain is here on cold Pacific Northwest Friday.
This photo was taken just under two years ago in Cabo San Lucas. I think, truly, I think, it could be my favorite place in the entire world. I am missing it today when I need some sunshine, the sound of rushing waves on the beach, and someone to bring me a continued supply of rum punch or Corona.
Sun and Sand, that is where I am.
January 5, 2012 - Posted by Teenie - 0 Comments
Yesterday my good friend Jessica and her son, Nic, came over for dinner. The best part was, she made the dinner! YAY! As we are sitting around the table eating the white chicken chili, we share how our days are going and as we transition to playing a cool new game (ZERO), Jess talks about a kindergarten student at her school.
She shares that he is a challenged student (academically, speech, etc) and he loves to see her. He had walked out of his classroom to find her during the day. Everyone was on alert for the special needs kid, who in the end, had found Jessica.
She proceeds to tell me that she ended up keeping him in her room for a while and was talking to him about Christmas. He has a speech issue and she was talking as he does to show how hard it was to understand him. She said he was telling her that “Jana” came and gave him a “race car”. Jessica was interested and said, “OH, that was nice of her.” The little boy replies, “JANA is a MAN”.
Now, Jessica was explaining to us that stranger things have happened so she figured some man was named Jana in this little guy’s life. I looked at her and said, “Aren’t you lisping the word SANTA?”
She stopped what she was doing, looked at me and said, “OH CRAP! He was talking about SANTA!”
The funny part is all of us at the table figured she was talking about Santa in the first place and just lisping Jana to show how hard it was to understand him. Nope. Jessica thought Jana.
Better believe in Santa or else Jana might be the one bringing your gifts!!
January 5, 2012 - Posted by Teenie - 0 Comments
Holy winter batman! Today when I left the house, there was a beautiful blue sky with pink clouds–well, from one direction. As soon as I turned the corner the sky had this ominous black convergence of crap. Nasty black crap that looked as though the whole world was sucked up into it and would spew out rain, hail, wind, and cows. You know what I am talking about if you ever in your life lived in the midwest.
The day was cold when I got to school and by about mid after noon, the rain started to drop and the black cloud seemed to have settled itself right above my portable. It is DARK outside. DARK and rainy and yucky. I looked at the weather station to see if something would just blow over. Well, no. Not really. Seems like a bunch of rain and a bunch of wind. That is full of AWESOME.
I do not mind winter storms. However, when it is just dark and rainy with no potential for anything other than dark and rainy? That just plain sucks. Bring out the snow. The hail. The wind and losing power. If it is going to rage outside, don’t make it just shitty outside, make it a STORM where I can OHHHH and AWWWW about it. Not just get pissed that my hair is wet and my car was washed yesterday and now the freaking rain is making it look like dookey.
I actually started tanning last week because I wanted some LIGHT. LIGHT PEOPLE. You know, the brightness and the warmth that comes out of the sky? That. I had to find some sort of fabricated version so I didn’t lose my eye sight and start wiggling around like a nake mole rat. Trust me, no one wants to see that.
The effect is nice. I feel a little better and I want to snuggle up against the bulbs. Here in the Pacific Northwest, the absence of light in the winter can make you feel a little (Ok, a LOT) depressed. I need the light in my life. I miss waking up to the sunshine. I am like, what? Dark? Is it morning? Didn’t I JUST go to bed? WHO STOLE THE SUNSHINE!? Isn’t that some sort of mythology story? Some dude plucked the sun out of the sky and hid it in the ocean? I don’t know. It sounds like it happened here though.
Either way.. I am ready for some stinkin snow to reflect what little light there is or for the sun to climb out of the ocean and be the magnificient orb of light it is.
January 3, 2012 - Posted by Teenie - 0 Comments
2011 was definitely a year that had some spots that I would like to forget. I am not even afraid to think I would like them permantly erased from my memory; a mini lobotomy maybe? Either way, 2011 was full of challenges and obstacles that are just for 2011. It is not like accrued vacation, there is no carry over for the 2011 woes into the new year. I actually had a sprinters stance as I waited for 2012 to begin. Yes, there I was running gear and all, just prepped to take off into the new year.
I opted to not make resolutions as much as promises to myself.
res·o·lu·tion/ˌrezəˈlo͞oSHən/
| Noun: |
- A firm decision to do or not to do something.
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Just reading the above makes me think that it is so black and white.
prom·ise/ˈpräməs/
| Noun: |
| A declaration or assurance that one will do a particular thing or that guarantees that a particular thing will happen. |
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| Verb: |
| Assure someone that one will definitely do, give, or arrange something; undertake or declare that something will happen. |
|
I like the promise aspect better–we might be playing semantics game, however, I truly believe that for me, if I make a pledge or promise to myself it isn’t just black and white, it is something I get at the end–I earn it along the way—I have an intrinsic motivation to succeed.
I am a reflective person and I have thought a lot lately about my 2011 and what I needed to promise myself this year. These are the 12 things I came up with:
1. Be true to myself.
My gut instinct is almost always right. I have this uncanny ability to “know” things and I need to follow those feelings instead of trying to accept the opposite. I can spot a lie, an untruth, or someone who is not genuine. I have had a few instances in 2011 where I let myself go out on a limb to only be proven that my gut instinct was correct. I am going to be true to my feelings this year.
2. Travel.
Take a risk and go where I want to go. I have always been somewhat reserved to do things alone, and though I have, I am ready to take the world by storm. Italy in February. Vegas in April. Cabo in July. And a few other places in between….
3. Write
I love to write. I have realized it is my own fear that has kept my book(s) from being published. I am done being a chicken shit. No one but me ever has to read what I write, but I hope some of you want to read what I have.
4. Nellie
Get Nellie fixed. I got a new Nikon last year and I don’t love him as much. I miss Nellie and I just need to get her fixed. I miss taking pictures. I LOVE teaching my photography class and I am going to bring Nellie in and explain how you can fall in love with a camera….
5. Laugh
I love to laugh and I think 2011 somewhat sucked the Betty Rubble out of me on more than one occassion. I felt as though I had replaced my giggles with tears. No more. I am ready to laugh again.
6. Patience
I have felt my ire get up and going on more than one occassion in the last 12 months. I am going to find my patience again.
7. Listen first
I have always been a good listener. I think I still am most of the time, however, having the same fight with someone over and over again creates this abilty to tune out and not hear the other person. So, I am going to listen again. EVEN if I don’t agree. EVEN if I know that something is truly TRULY not beneficial. I am going to listen FIRST.
8. Health
I am active, eat relatively well. But, I am going to try and live without the carb bubble that I love so much. It seems that the carbs have tried to permanently affix themselves to my butt, hips, and cheeks. So, not necessarily more running, but definitely going back to my good ol’ Vegetarian ways.
9. Time
I am going to make time for those that I love. I am always busy, tired, and just doing stuff that in the end, makes me miss out on the moments that I should have with friends and family. My house doesn’t need to be spotless and I certainly do not need to always be working. So, time. I am going to make it, whether that is running the St. Paddys day run with my girls, wine tour with my girl friends, or my favorite— a weekend with my highschool friends that I haven’t seen in 20 years. I am making the time, otherwise, 20 years has passed you by.
10. Stand up for myself
I am a peace keeper most of the time. But, I am going to be better at saying, No. I don’t like the way this makes me feel. No. I don’t want to do that for you. No. That is not nice to do to someone. I guess, I just don’t call people out all that often when things are not, “Ok”. I think I am ready to do that now. Amy taught me stand up for myself….and tell others to pack a lunch.
11. Take a minute for me each day
Whether this is reading, running, grabbing a drink with a friend. I am going to make sure I am Tina first–that makes me a better friend, better mother, better teacher–better everything.
12. Heal
I have many hurts on my heart that seem to perpetually continue to sting. I think that maybe I need to just stand still and let my heart get a good scab on it. Whether it is some issues with friends, men, or even my family. I think I need to stand still. I am always moving and trying to understand instead of just –living. Instead of letting it go and healing. I deserve that.
I really wanted to put “love” on my promises to myself. But, I can love easily. I DO love easily. I HAVE loved easily this past year. Just maybe, I wasn’t quite ready for it. I wasn’t listening. I wasn’t healed. I wasn’t standing up for myself in a good way. I just wasn’t truly in a place that my love could match my life. All those things that NEED to be on my list. Love, I can do that. Truly, a promise to myself about love seems like I am looking for some sort of a man in my life. Men: Meh. I realized these past few weeks that I don’t “need” a man in my life to bring my happiness–instead, I am in a place where the person I do love is someone I WANT in my life to share happiness with.
2012 has so many great possibilities. I have reconnected with old friends. Spent great time with people I love and cherish. I get to see TWO different women I adore marry the men of their dreams. I am part of that. I love teaching this year. I see my family trying to heal and reach out beyond the past. I am going to Italy in 48 short days on a trip with Etta who I love to see Sandie who I have missed more than I can explain. She is one of my truest friends that makes me realize that time, distance can never make a difference for what you feel in your heart for someone. My kids–all here with me and I get to hug them every day. (or yell at them, depending on the day) So how can I look at 2012 without rushing in and kissing it square on the mouth.
2012, I have a glass of wine with your name on it. I am rushing in and not looking back.
December 3, 2011 - Posted by Teenie - 0 Comments
I used to think that first graders said the most hilarious things. Then, I started teaching 5th grade.
A recent conversation…
I had the students line up and I was finally sitting down for the first time and a few girls gathered around my desk to chit chat with me. The recess line conversation ensued….
Girl 1- Ms. McD, I think I am having the puberty.
*I am inserting here that I wanted to CRACK up. BUT I kept a straight face the entire time as I was all—am I going to get sued or fired for this conversation?
Me- Oh- really?
Girl 2- Yeah, me too Ms. McD.
Me: Oh, well, girls. You know I always have things back here in case you need them, or just leave to use the restroom. No questions asked.
Girl 1- Oh, well I haven’t started my period yet. I think it is just starting the puberty.
Girl 3- My mom didn’t start until she was 15. I think I won’t start until at least then.
Girl 2- Oh yeah. I know. My mom says I shouldn’t worry about it.
Girl 1- Yeah. My mom says it is pre puberty stuff. *she rubs her abdomen*
Me-Oh, well girls. Things happen when they happen. Just remember that if you need something, our school nurse is wonderful or just tell me and I will get you what you need. (I was TRYING to NOT particpate in the conversation as anything other than a Maxi Pad Resource)
Girl 2- Thanks Ms. McD
Girl 1- Well, at least we don’t have to start the puberty like the boys. They get all HAIRY.
Girl 3- Oh yeah. My dad. He is hairy….my mom says his face is really rough when he shaves.
Thankfully it was time to send them outside and I said GO PLAY!
Sadly, I wanted to say, “Honey, you might LIKE hairy one day. Well, not hairy back, but scruffy is always hot”. But that might have crossed the sued/firing line.
I am not sure if I should be impressed that they feel comfortable enough to just start the conversation right next to me… or freaked out that they started the conversation right next to me. This might be reason number 14 of why I need a drink this week.
December 3, 2011 - Posted by Teenie - 0 Comments
I can’t remember the last time I did a top ten. Today’s might be epic. Typically I do fun stuff…you know, like Top Ten Reasons I Heart Fifth Graders or stuff like that. BUT. Let’s get real. It’s been a fucking long week. Yes, I used the f word in my blog. Let us recap the Top Ten of why I need deserve a drink on this Friday… and truly the suckage has no true order.
10. Ex husband number 1
9. Ex husband number 2 (Ok , this could potentially be the number one reason, but I am too lazy to put the others in order)
8. Green River Community College’s financial aid department.
7. The college kid that is going to Green River and needs help for the GRCC financial aid department and her finances in general.
6. Worrying about my sister.
5. Worrying about my Mom worrying about my sister.
4. Ex husband number 2 being an asshole to his girls.
3. Daughter asking me if it is ok for her to invite her new step mom over to visit so she can see her new baby brother since not one person let her know they were in town. (this rivals number 1 spot too, however, these two are related so we could just hyphenate them and call it a tie).
2. Ex boyfriends or whatever they are. Are they boyfriends? I am not sure. But apparently this top ten indicates I really suck with men.
1. Meetings EVERY single MORNING this week with parents/staff/school.
I just realized that the Top Ten could really be like a Top Fifteen. I didn’t even include my son single handedly trying to fail 8th grade (seriously people, it is SO much harder to not do SHIT than to try and do SOMETHING).
Did I mention the wonky charges that aren’t mine from iTunes? Or the nasty parent email I received? I should probably stop before the computer screen turns brown from the crap I am writing on it….
The next Top Ten better freaking be something about how awesome the week is….
November 26, 2011 - Posted by Teenie - Comments Off
Thanksgiving is always one of my favorite holidays. I love making the menu with new and old favorites. I love baking pies the day before- and according to my kids, it is about FOUR pies. One cherry. One apple. TWO pumpkin. I hate pumpkin pie, so that is one less pie that I will eat! Well, I don’t HATE it. It is a texture thing. Like custard. Or snot. I love getting everything ready and the rush at the grocery stores as people are laughing what they are too lazy to prepare and buy ready-made. Seeing Grammas still buying the turkey-or two, like the lady in front of me at the store. She had a bigger family this year, so needed two.
My family has always had traditions with Thanksgiving. When I was little, it was always at my grandparents with my sisters and Mom. I can’t think of very many where it wasn’t. My mom and Gram were always in the kitchen cooking all day and the kids ran around sneaking the celery sticks filled with cheese. Or olives. God, I can’t even eat olives to this day because my uncles taught me the fast five—five olives on five fingers. Eat them quick. Did they mention that if you did it like FIVE times that was 25 olives and guaranteed to make you vomit? NO. Damn, uncles.
In the years that it wasn’t at my Gram’s, I remember going with them to my Aunt Donna’s and Uncle Ray’s. That was fun too. They always had exchange students and I remember teaching them how to play piano and laughing with my cousin, Peter. As a young adult, it was going to two dinners between two families and eating more than I should have. I remember going to my dad’s house when I lived in Dallas–and being able to sit OUTSIDE because it was MUGGY on Thanksgiving.
When Thanksgiving was finally held at my own house, I can remember looking at the turkey with awe and thinking, I have to stick my hand WHERE and pull out WHAT!? (That may have been the point where I became a complete vegetarian for 10 years). I think things started to flow about 10 years ago. I got my own rhythm of what worked and what didn’t. What we liked to eat and what we didn’t. Haily Mary to the mashed potatoes and gravy. I think my children alone could have consumed ten pounds. I loved to have friends and family celebrate at our house. I am even a nut job enough to have Thanksgiving dinnerware. Yes, I like dishes, sue me.
This year was the first in as many years as I can remember that I went somewhere other than my own house for the holiday. We went to close friends, Beth and Larry. Debbie and Dutch and everyone’s kiddos were there too. Beth and I made lists to ensure that we encompassed all the foods we both had to have. She made the turkey. I made the ham. She made the mashed potatoes, I made the yams-so on and so forth. Packing up and taking it over was quite the adventure-however, I learned a new way to make yams and I won’t EVER do it another way. Roasting them the day before and sticking them in the crock pot with the butter and brown sugar. VOILA. No mooshy yams. Anyhow, we made it. Pies, food, kids, and me.
Beth was a little wound up and as we got everything out on the counters, prayer said–and everyone moving to line up for the kids to go first (ok, not really kids, the youngest is 10), Larry was joking around how he loved Beth and what he is thankful for and appreciates her, etc. I just happened to be taking pictures and I see him get down on one knee.
DOWN ON ONE KNEE PEOPLE.
He did it. He proposed to her. I can’t even tell you that I didn’t cry. I totally did. AND I had only consumed ONE glass of wine at that point. Beth cried. Debbie cried. The kids cheered. It was a moment that I will ever be thankful for to have witnessed.
Much laughter, food, wine, and teasing later. I think about it and know, my traditions are every changing, but not in a way that makes me sad. I believe that this Thanksgiving represented so much more. It renewed my belief that love is in existence. Tradition is what we make it–old, new, and combined. And Thanksgiving, is more than just giving thanks for good crops, good years, or good food. Its for giving thanks about good friends. Good family. Good love and good memories.
I hope yours was as memorable and full of love as mine.
