I Promise. I Promise. I Kind of Promise-Spin Cycle

I must start this off with I totally suck at resolutions. I usually drive myself insane with trying to keep the promise I made on December 31 and as I let my OCD of managing the resolution fester, I somehow seem to feel like a failure when the resolution seems to go the wayside and doesn’t come to a positive end result. So this week’s spin? Make a resolution.

Dammit.

I can think of many that I have failed at. Running that marathon. Losing that weight that I seem to carry around. Growing my hair out. Stop using the F word. Sometimes I feel like making a resolution means that you have to give something up. (and I am really good at using the F word appropriately) Hey, this isn’t Lent, so I need to revisit my thoughts on what a true resolution should be. What it should feel like for me so that it is a healthy accomplishment and I am not always thinking about how crappy it is that I am not up to par with keeping true to my resolution/promise to myself. I need to realize that the resolution is really about ME and putting into words what it is that I do like to do and being more proactive and aware of those things. I don’t have to give up anything. So with that, I am going to put forth my list of promises to myself.

1. Take more time for me and not feel guilty about it.
I have really struggled with this area of my life and my center of being. I love having friends, hobbies, and my job. But sometimes, I forget that I can choose to go do something and do not need someone else’s approval first. I can stop–think about what needs to be done and how I can squeak in an hour sitting and gossiping with a friend at Starbucks. That is healthy. I do not have to explain to my children, my husband or myself that I can go shopping alone or meet a friend for coffee. I am going to stop worrying about how I am suddenly letting other people down if they do not have my full attention. I am going to give myself some attention too.

2. Invest-Manage money differently
I want to make some investments this year. I want to quit being a Wallstreet Wimp and figure out how I can make the most of the money we tuck away each month. I want to find a way to maximize my money and also find some tax breaks that might go along with it. We are in a situation where we can make some of those investments and look at what the future holds. We have little debt other than student loans, mortgage, and the auto payments. I know that the big truck payment will be paid off in about 2 years and it is zero percent interest, so I do not mind that so much. My payments go to principal. BUT it is still a payment that I wish we didn’t have. I have also started an allowance for myself so I can purchase things without worrying about WHERE the money comes from. It is set aside each week as part of the budget. Now, I just need to stick to all the other budget areas! HA! My first step forward in this was to consolidate the stupid student loan I have so I can pay it off faster. Geez. Education.

3. Exercise Regularly
Part of me wants to put a number on this to “lose weight”. But I don’t want to feel awful if I weigh in each week to be stagnant. So, instead, I am going to instead, put a positive note on it and say exercise regularly. I can manage that. I can do that.

4. Finish my book
This is probably the biggest resolution of all. I need to finish my story about Marly. I have the entire story in my head. I KNOW her. I KNOW what she is going to do…how she does it…I see her. I just have to put those words down for others to know her like I do. My biggest fear has nothing to do with getting published. I have realized that if it doesnt EVER get published–I am ok with that. I really am. But I don’t want it to suck. I want my friends to read it and say–WOW! I LOVE the story about Marly. When are you going to write more? So for me…its about those people that are closest to me think and what I think. I am going to finish it this year. For me.

So, there are my promises to myself this year. I could have put other things that I am always working on, but I realized that those are things that are not just about me. That are not about just my control over the choices and decisions. I really wanted to make my resolutions be about positive actions about ME. I don’t want to have to depend on someone else’s reaction for me to be successful in my own promise to myself. I think that might defeat the purpose.

So here I am. Bring it on 2009. I am ready. (sorta)