A Thick Skin

It has been a LONG time since I have been friend-ful. I think I have written about this often, but it really has been a long time since I have been in an area for such a time that I have developed friendships that are past five years in my new location.

Now,I am still friends with girls from Junior High and Highschool. I am still friends with people I have met in different states, but I am STILL in the SAME state/city for 5 years and continue to have established relationships with people.

I also have friends at work that continue to be not only my collegue but my friend. I have those that I can confide in, that trust me with their feelings and secrets. I have those that seek me out to share happy news and those that because we are friends, make me feel loved and cared for.

I am very friend-full. I enjoy also making those people feel cared and loved and appreciated. I am fortunate that I can see these people each day and know that we are friends. And, I like my collegues that might not be a close friend, but those that I appreciate their hard work, their devotion to teaching and their ability to WANT to make a difference in people’s lives.

But what happens when you feel this hair on the back of your neck because sometimes you just feel like you don’t fit in or just an outsider watching a conversation around you? I have had that feeling creep up on me lately. I don’t know if it is because I am contemplating so much around me and really want to think about what I say and how I say it? The entire process with the union/Rifing in our district has left me feeling that often we do not listen to each other and so often what we think and feel is misinterpreted by the person we are talking to because of what that individual might think or feel. That perception is reality.

OR I wonder  if I have been so worried about my job that it is hard to focus on much else and I wondered for a while if I would be part of the executing of any decisions that are being made right now. Do I or should I have a say when I am so on the fence of having a job? Do I have that right?

OR is it because of all the changes and tension right now it is so easy to just focus on our “own”.

OR is it because I am still so relatively new to teaching that my lack of “teaching” experience makes me not always a viable resource or rather, a tenured resource.

OR is it because I just don’t speak up when I should? I don’t do this at home when my feelings are hurt or if I am not happy with somethin, why would I ever do this at work? I am not one to confront unless I can see that there is a resolution at the end. I am much better at working through something I don’t like and just handling it that way then I am to say HEY, this isn’t working for me. I am not good at that.

OR is it because just lately, I have so much on my plate that really, my focus is ah–it’s not worth it to argue the point or express my difference of opinion. I feel like I have been saying that for the last year, but as I feel more confident in teaching curriculum and being myself in my classroom–outside of that is still so MUCH. Softball, volleyball, gymnastics, and just life with four kids is never ending. I love being that with my kids and I love our evening routines of just us at the dinner table–cleaning up together,etc, that I wish that peaceful calm-confidence in my role was  part of my other life.

OR is it just an “I feel” thing. There is no intention on anyone’s part, but just an “I feel” because of my own weird insecurities and neurosis.

So back to why is it that I am feeling this way? I really don’t know. I suppose it could be any of the reasons above. Maybe all of them. I don’t know. I just know that lately, I have felt a bit out of sorts with people and in conversations. I don’t feel like it is easy and usually–it is easy for me to talk to people.I just know that my feelings have been stung a bit lately and I would only say, that I hope it is not intentional. I feel myself shutting down and not sharing me or my life.  Maybe my skin is not as thick as it was at the beginning of the year.

Maybe all of the stress really is catching up with me.